Mo’ Thoughts – Certainty & Uncertainty

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9-24-13 certainty and uncertainty 9-24-13 birch bark

I feel that there is a big change coming in my life. There is an energy and motion inside me that I can’t ignore right now, because I feel there is a force at work that is moving me towards the person that I am meant to be and the responsibility that I am meant to hold.

I have spent much of my life in a certain state of uncertainty. I went to college without a direction or target, but I was filled with ambition and determination to engulf everything in the world around me. I graduated with History of Art degree with the certainty of knowing that I will likely never use my degree in a practical application and uncertain if this was some big mistake and I should choose something more reasonable and safe to study (engineering, medicine, etc.). I was certain about my passions and extracurricular activities outside of class, but I was uncertain about how much I could handle and if I was passionate about any of these extracurriculars enough to make them into a career.

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My “career” has always troubled me, because I am certain that I will be successful as an individual in the workplace but completely uncertain about what it is I will to do with this one life I’ve been given. I know I am still young, but I sense that there are people out there who at least have something they know they want to achieve in their life, and I am left in a mist of uncertainty knowing that I must still move forward. It is strange to say that I don’t know what I’m passionate about, but I think that’s the truth; if I knew what truly captivated me, I promise you I’d be working towards it.

The thing I’ve come to learn about myself is that, whatever I do to make money and provide for my family, it will not be a traditional cookie-cutter form of employment. I may end up jumping from job to job, or I may end up with a long tenure performing multiple jobs at the same time. Regardless, I won’t be doing something that can be pinned down to a specific title or summed up in six words or less. My heart and mind are much too fluid to be tied down by any one thing in particular, because I have many things I want to embrace and learn about while I am here. I am certain that I will have a career that I can look back on one day and be proud of what I accomplished, but I am uncertain about exactly what I will be doing during my life. I am learning to take in and welcome this uncertainty, and I am trying every day to listen closely to my heart to feel what direction it pulls me. If my heart takes me there, I know it is my right path.

9-24-13 path of my heart

It is for this reason I know my marriage to Sam is a certainty, and it is true. We’ve been married just over two weeks now, and while I am uncertain about what life holds for us I know the person I have by my side my perfect fit, my truest companion, my missing piece. Marriage is one of those things that was a massive, daunting unknown until I met the person I knew I am meant to be with for the rest of my life. I think some people are worried about getting married: it is the end of personal freedom, making decisions for only yourself, sacrificing things you once had for things that you will now share with someone else. To say it’s a turning point in one’s life is a huge understatement. Marriage signifies an entire new path where two people walk instead of one, and sometimes there doesn’t seem to be room on the path for two people. Sometimes you can’t decide which direction to take when hitting a fork in the road. Sometimes you need to carry your partner, and sometimes they carry you, and the path is rarely clear or easy.

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For me, though, I feel more complete and certain about everything in my life now that I have Sam with me. I feel invincible, and I appreciate every small detail in my life more than ever before. I trust that regardless what happens to Sam and I, we will always have each other. In all of life’s uncertainties, I am certain that the person facing the world with me is the right person.

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I do feel changed by our marriage: I feel stronger, more confident, and closer to where I am meant to be as an individual. Doing things that once scared me cease to scare me. As Sam reminds me every day: “We are going to be OK, Mo.” Things will happen, plans will get messed up, change will step in and surprise us in only the way that change can do. I can rest assured that the choices I make will lead me someplace where I’m meant to be, and now that I have Sam with me to remind me that we will survive anything, I find my steps to be sturdier and my thoughts to be bolder. I move more deftly and confidently, and I can hear my heart speaking more clearly than every before. I feel more powered as an individual even though I have vowed to spend my life with another person. I truly believe that the direction I am moving–as an individual, for myself, but together with my husband–is the way I am meant to move.

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I know many girls who become tied to their husbands’ lives, and end up following them where they want to live or help them chase their career while casually setting theirs aside, and I am so grateful that my marriage with Sam is nothing like that. Even though we make sure every move me make benefits the other, and we don’t move without first checking with one another, we understand the importance of maintaining our own individuality in our marriage. The person I fell in love with was the person Sam was before I came into his life, and if I am to keep loving him my entire life he needs to freedom and flexibility to continue being true to himself. Likewise, Sam has never tried to alter me or change who I am at my core. He helps me move towards my individual goals and I support him as he moves towards his, and neither of us sacrifices our own dreams for the sake of the other. There are dreams we have as individuals and dreams we have together, and our marriage will be successful if we can work towards all those goals for the rest of our lives.

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So, for now, I am continuing to trust in the pulse I feel within me that I am working towards the hidden dreams in my heart, and that I am inching closer to my “career place” I want to be at in the end. I hope you are navigating your path, too, and are trusting in all the twists and turns along the way.

9-24-13 where I am meant to be 9-24-13 sun through path

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